When we lose the control over life, I guess it is the most pathetic thing that can happen.. And for your kind information, it happens the every other moment.. We feel so damn helpless… Where is life taking us to? What has it got in store for us? When will we able to regain the earlier pace of our life?

These some kinda questions which rises in our mind, when we feel that nothing is in our hands…To be very frank, I have faced this situation many times… A lot of times…Love, is a wonderful feeling…!! Sometimes it gives you inspiration to live. At the same time it leads you to think to end your life…

I have seen a lot of colorful days when I was in love… Gone were the days when I used to wake up every morning with a smile on my face, a song on my lips and my feets ready to tap.. Each night I used to sleep in the hope that tonight I will see him in my dreams & tomorrow am gonna see him.. I couldn’t see hatred any where in the world… There was love & love only…. For me the whole world turned around my LOVE.He was awesome..!!!!

I fell for him the very first day I saw him… But I didn’t have the courage to check/enquire/investigate (at least secretly), whether he felt the same for me as I was scared of hearing a ‘NO’… So, as if nothing happened, I just continued to observe him secretly, without even my friends coming to know about it…

But from the day 2, I felt as if this guy too was checking me out… Hmm.. Well, I didn’t have any offence. Ahem…! Infact I was waiting for that.. You see, then a girl starts off with her usual show off(of course I too did it) like talking more to his friends & paying less attention to him, when the truth was that my eyes were not in my control… They just wanted to see him even when I was busy with the so-called Chit-Chat with his friends (the group doesn’t include him). And I used to be so restless if I find him just looking at/talking to other girls.. Grrrrrr!!!!!!!Man!!

Those days were awesome!! He never missed a chance which he got to impress me… He was an awesome actor(used to direct/act in a lot of stage shows), mimicry artist, used to dance.. Altogether he was my superstar.. He brought all his certificates right from his kinder garden days to impress me…

One fine day… “Bang”… He comes & proposes me…. “Neena, I dont know what you think about me & all.. I have been noticing you from day 2[“How dare he started noticing me only from day 2, when I was set out on my task from day1??? Grrrrr!!! I dont like that”].. And from the very moment am not able to think about any other gal or not even to concentrate in anything. I guess…. [“only guess??? My foot!!”] I am in love with you… can i know your status? I can wait for your reply.. Take your time & reply…”

I was speechless.. Couldn’t believe my ears… Was I dreaming…? Tried pinching myself… “Oooouch” It hurts… So am awake…. Its true… what I heard was true… Oh God!! Can I believe that? I felt like dancing… screaming… Doing all crazy things… But then, suddenly got aware of the surroundings…

God, Thank you so much!!!Now the question is that how will I let him know my reply… That I have been his senior in this task (at least 1 day). Hmmm…? No bells ringing… As if he read my mind, he came to me & told “I shall wait for you in the temple coming Sunday (the day after) @ 7:30am. I know that you go to that temple every Sunday. If you like me, I would expect you to reach there by 7:45am if possible in a red dress. So, Sunday, 7:30am… I’ll be waiting…”

I asked, “But how come you know that?”…

“Then what was I blabbering before??? I said I love you.. And what kind of a guy am I if I don’t know what my gal does? Give me some credit… I call myself your guy.. Don’t know what your vision is?”

My happiness had no boundaries….!!! I was blushing!! All excited! Its a special feeling that you get when you hear that the one whom you loves retaliates it… I cannot put my into words what my feelings were then.. Anyhow… It was simply “WOW” & “STUPENDOUS”

Evening reached home… Was all excited! Totally in my dreamland… Mom was scolding me for not answering her questions properly.. How can I when am not listening only? I was lost in his thoughts.. His style, the way he talks, his heart capturing looks!! Gosh!! He was simply Mind Blowing!!

Lord, why you had to put a Saturday in between Friday & a Sunday?? Don’t you think that is pretty rude, to make me wait? Anyways, i thought… “lemme set everything for Sunday morning”Next morning, just checked my wardrobe to check my red top.. Allah!! It’s missing!!

Where the hell is it??Checked with mom & came to know the heart breaking news… Its in the laundry… Booo Hooo… Kya karoo? I shouted at her.. Told her “henceforth don’t you dare to give my clothes for washing”. She was totally clueless..I was sad.. No red top.. What can I do? “IDEA” Went to my neighbor’s home. Asked the gal who is doing her studies in computer science, whether she’s got anything in RED? Answer was No… I asked anything in white [“at least I can make peace with the situation”] she said, “Yup, but only a duppatta”. I said, it will do… Some how I could manage to find my old kerala silk skirt & a red saree blouse [“Thanks to school youth festivals”] a white dupatta over it. “ Tang ta dang”.

A keraliya gal in ‘half saree‘ ready!!

Next day… Morning.. Mom came & told “I was thinking whether I should come with you to the temple? You’re going alone nah?[“No!!! mom, you cant.. You dont have to”] Well, i said… “See I am very much used to going alone to the temple… There is nothing to be worried about. I am ok going alone. You don’t have to take pains for me” Some how she set back! [“Phew!! Everything had to happen like this?”]

My eyes searching him all over the way to the temple.. Couldn’t find him or his cycle anywhere…. ‘God!! Is he making a fool out of me… Is it April 1st? Nope!! It isn’t! Then where is he?’

I entered the temple premises at 7:40… Couldn’t find him… hmmm…came to the sree kovil.

Closed my eyes & prayed “well, he had made me a buffoon. Why did he? Anyways..(With my regular set of prayers)”Opened my eyes, turned back… Couldn’t believe my eyes.. He’s standing there right behind me bearing a lovable smile… As pretending that he was praying.. he said slowing in my ears “THANKS!!”…I was blushing.. My heart could have come out as it was beating that drastically”We walk through the temple premises… I got “prasadam”. I put a li’l bit of ‘chandanam‘ on my forehead… And i offered the leaf with rest of the “prasadam” to him… He didnt take it from me.. Instead gave a gesture of leaning forward, giving me a a hint that he would want me to put the ‘chandanam‘ on his forehead.. With a naughty smile.. He stood there.. I put the ‘chandanam‘ on his forehead…

I dont know in what direction did my life turn after that sweet day… My life was so damn beautiful… for my parents it was hell!!(I hope)

‘Anonymous calls & greeting cards’… When ever they go out they could find that my home number was busy.. Which would naturally arouse doubts in them… Which i managed to clear sometimes.. But sometimes, they them selves would get cleared.. And that day, heavens save me… Poor me!!!

Years passed, and our relation went through small fights & big romances… Big Time possessiveness & Saturdays where hell!! I haven’t loved temples so much except on Sunday…

We’d to chose different course for graduation.. Our professional paths were different… He couldn’t take science & I couldn’t take art subject.. Both of allergic to the respective subjects…So I set out my path for Engineering & he went for B.com…

I was in hostel, but thanks to BSNL, we could live on each others voices.. One of his family friends gifted him with a mobile phone & thankfully that time incoming calls were made free by Escotel…. Incoming for him, but outgoing for me…Grrrrr!!! He got me ITC(Calling cards) & I had to cook up some blunderous calculation for my pocket money expenditure, so that i could present my misery in front of my parents…And we used to meet at the temple on Sundays when I came down to my place.. and sometimes he used to pick from my college on Fridays and sometimes used to drop me on Sunday evening..

Well, again an year passed calmly…. But he was kinda falling sick every time cos of not wearing helmet but riding his bike @ a speed of 80-90km/hr… I used to fight with him for this… After a few months…He started behaving oddly… He was sad… But never told me y?I felt that he was disturbed…. Even when we were together he wasn’t with me.. I had no clue, what to do? I asked him many times… Some times he got irritated & would shout at me for the silliest things…I felt as if he has lost interest in me.. I asked him the same question also.. But his response was a cold blooded smile… I couldn’t read its meaning…

He stopped calling me… I tried calling him… He never picked my call… I tried calling his friends to know the reason… But they were clueless…One fine day our hero calls me & says “I am in love with another gal.. Actually i was disturbed during those days cos of this only… She is my junior in my college. A nice gal.. She loves me like crazy… me too.. AM sorry Neena..I am helpless.. I don’t wanna hurt you, that why am telling you this.. Physical absence has caused lil gap between us, i guess.. Well, all the best for your future.. Bye”

I was speechless… Those were the days when no one could see me smiling… My eyes were swollen throughout the day…. Well, life cannot be beautiful always… This phase had to be there.. Otherwise it wouldn’t have been justice upon god’s part for giving me long six & half years happiness….

I got adjusted with my lonely life.. I life without him was not ‘life’ for me.. But I was just living for the sake of living only..

3 Years passed… I passed out… Got a job in one of the world’s best company… Here i started getting new friends, in my new place & was starting feeling that life is again good… and after a few month I came to see one of my old friend(she was mine & his common friend).

She asked, “Neena, did ya see him?”

I got so damn pissed by that question, I told (almost shouted at her) “why the hell should I meet him? He has got a new gal friend & apparently very happy with her. He thinks love disappears if people don’t meet.. Or it is lost if people stay apart… I just stayed away for 1 year, still was in contact with him.. Used to meet him when ever possible, but still he went behind another gal. He was a rascal. He never loved me. And I have got no sentiments for such a person…”

She said “Neena, he did that bcos he loved you so much….”

“Yeah Right!!!”, I replied sarcastically.

She said, “It’s true… He loved you so much… He loved you like crazy. But he finally didn’t want you to be sad… He didn’t want to see you in misery”

“yeah.. And thats the reason, why he left me without mercy nah? I can see his love with this single deed.”

“No Neena. You’ve got it all wrong. He was suffering with Blood Cancer. You remember he used to fell sick & was under some kind of treatment during the first year of his college? He came to know about his disease when he stepped into his second year of college. And he didn’t know what to tell you. He was sure that he can’t have a life with you. So he made that entire fake story to keep you away from him… So that you’ll learn to live without him… And here you are… His mission was a success… You even started hating him… nah? Neena, he loved you.. SO much…”

Another shock!! I don know.. Why is it happening to me? “Why didn’t you inform me, if you knew?”she said, “He you used to call me every day & cry… And he took promise from me that I wouldn’t disclose anything to you… Now I don’t think it makes any point to hide this from you… Doctors have confirmed that he hardly has a few weeks… Go & see him now else you’ll repent in your future that you dint meet him during his last days.. Go & meet him Neena”

“yes, am on ma way”

I just took my car & went to his home… He was shocked to see me… I was more shocked to see him… Cos he wasn’t the bubbly, energetic, robust, enthusiastic guy whom I was in love with. He had merely became a skeleton wrapped in some skin… dark circles… hairs almost vanishing.. I felt like crying loudly & hugging him in agony…

His mom went inside to make tea, as apparently he had instructed to his mom that she won’t be sad & won’t let any one that he was dieing…

My eyes met with eyes.. They spoke silently “Why did ya hide this from me? You thought i’d leave you after hearing this? Why did ya keep me away from you? You’ve any idea what i went through, all these years? Why did ya do this? Why?”

“I had to do this honey…If you were in my position, you too might have done this. I never thought that you’d leave me.. Instead I was damn sure that you’d never leave me.. & may be you couldn’t bear this pain of parting from me & that too this way.. the best way I could think of is creating hatred for me in your heart, which was the only way for you to forget me… Do you think I had an awesome time seeing my love weeping everyday? But that was the best I could give you darling.. Hope you understand… Honey I loved you so much”

His mom came back with tea… I managed to hold my tears & put a mask of smile on ma face as if nothing happened & I was there at their home for a casual visit… this was on feb 25th. 4 days after his bday(21st).

When i left i collected his mobile number… and we started msging each other…. He tried to filter & re filter his msgs that were sent to me cos his 3 years hard work would go vain.. I understood his intentions & i tried to interact with him as if we were jus ‘friends’.

After 2 weeks I got a fracture on my legs & I was having walkable plaster on ma leg. Pour frequency of msging came down as my concentration mostly went to my legs…

On march 15th, time 11:30am i felt like calling him… called… a small guy picked.. he introduced himself.. from his name i could make out he was his li’l cousin. When i enquired about him, I was shocked for the last time in my life…

He passed away at 7:30 in the morning. And the cremation is @ 3:00pm. My office was almost 3hrs away from our home town. I was almost a joker for the public… cos i was having a tough time to grab a bus & get into it with my fractured leg & plaster over it.. Somehow i reached there @ 3pm.

When his mom saw me, she started crying like anything. I couldn’t stop my tears this time… saw him once…. then, i jus came out… his relatives took his body for cremation…

I was thinking, why did this happen to me? I had to see my love life ending like this? Why weren’t we allowed to have a life together? Well!!! God decides.. And that’s my love… He was my first love.. I hope my last too… Still I can feel he there with me.. I believe that he’s with me..

Well, i don’t know when I will meet my love again… Will he come to my life again? Will I be able to see him…? Still my eyes search for him when I go to my home town… My heart is not ready to accept that he is not there on the surface of earth….

Anyways am right here waiting for him….I will love you, my love… Our love will live forever..